Walking and Talking, Sitting and Blurring….
American that is what I am with a Polish, Mexican, English mix background. It is strange having been alive this long and having nothing much to show for it. I have two sons in different parts of the world and a bunch of ex-spouses who for the most part want nothing to do with me, and now I am virtually anti-sexual and wonder what was the point in being there at all those children’s birth’s when I have never been able to spend more than a couple of years at a stretch with any of them.
I have books and poems started and never finished and now lost. Lots of experiences that are now faded into the background and thousands of books read but I could not recite more than the odd line if I had to.
I spent years studying religion and I am now a confirmed agnostic. I spent years as a political activist and I am now a confirmed cynic.
After almost 3 years writing this blog I am now simply burned out. Writing to empty air becomes tedious after a time.
No love, no hope, no joy. Only the rote repetition of work, eat sleep, dream, shit and piss. Not even sex. If I knew this is where I was headed as a wide eyed youth I wouldn’t have bothered.
But I did and now I have to live with the mistakes, pay the bills and grind on. Perhaps on some future date I will have inspiration again. In the meantime there is TV, my books and the sun rises every day.
Politicians go blah, blah, blah. Cockroaches are back and I crush them when I can. I get up and exercise in the morning and imagine that this means something. In the end it is all about escaping banality into meaning. Perhaps I will find a crack in the wall of blankness where there is a white noise of facts, perhaps a rose will pop through this computerized concrete abstraction that is called life. Perhaps…