Sick To My Soul

I am sick. I have been for a while. Perhaps most of my life. I studied to be a minister and have been a revolutionary. But I am full of doubt and that doubt has eaten away at my soul.
I am now sick from it. I am in a mental quandary. A Marxist-materialist explanation of the universe leaves me hopeless. Mix that with existentialist despair and you have the so called modern condition. I seek refuge in the new age and the belief in gnosis. I pray to the gods. Jesus, Krishna, Vishnu, my inner power, whatever, and sometimes I imagine I am that representative of deity on earth. At other times, when the broken physicality takes over and I am vomiting up bile, I can only pray that I can take my next breath and that my guts don’t bleed out on me. I am going through the depths of my own hell and yet I have moments when I feel some sort of clarity and lightness, usually just after I have finished a vomiting session.
This is all relatively new to me. I have been a workhorse for years. My body was strong, or at least it could put up with a lot. But now it is burning up. Not with fever but with desire for change. I want to see god in all things. I want to be like the Sufi mystic who is entranced by visions of god, but I am not. I have been to Vrindavan, Krishna’s home and I have been to the Biblical heartlands and been offered a place as a servant in Jesus’s army and I turned down the offer and cried. I was not ready, or not willing. My ego was too strong, I wanted to find my own way. I could not believe at age 21 I had found the answer. Instead I went back out into the world and found nothing but pain and alienation.
Being a good spiritual new ager was not good enough for me. Being a Priest in the Order of Mechizideck seemed like a joke. It was real. I felt the love and the control and the vibrational hedge and enjoyed the massages and the attention of attractive females and I could have stayed there but I didn’t. It was too good. I felt like it was a trap, a fools paradise. So I left. And not long after so did everyone else. Our little ministry dissolved and now it is a shadow of what it once was. A project that once involved thousands is now a few hundred at best.
I am reminded of the end of civilizations. Why did the Maya end their most advanced culture? It was not because of the Spanish. They were already moving out of their cities when the Spanish arrived. Did they anticipate this? Did they have some prophets who told them to disperse into the country, to let the jungle take over their fair cities and to hide as primitives because there was approaching a great evil upon the land. The Aztecs perhaps had the same prophecies and could not believe that a small band of strangers could destroy so mighty a nation. They could not believe and were wiped out by the thousands as much by microbes as by the sword. As much by the blackened walls of the death chambers they called temples as by the Spanish Guns for the peoples they oppressed for victims to their god, were the ones who joined Cortes by the thousands and turned the tide in his favor destroying the vanity of the mighty Aztecs and their bloodthirsty deities.
But those are the historical cul-de-sacs that people get themselves into. They change and live like the Maya or the don’t and die like the Aztecs. I am in a cul-de-sac of my own. I am sick of being a wage slave, in debt and broke, always worried about paying bills and never able to enjoy life. To put it another way my body is rebelling and telling my mind that it is time to change. I am killing myself sitting in an office with no windows or light surrounded by noisy machines and bells that go off at odd hours, with smells of chemicals permeating the atmosphere. It is hellish and it is not even that bad. It is just a typical American small printing facility. I have been in dozens of them and they all have the same poor air quality, drafty air conditioning, heating systems that don’t work properly, bad lighting and poorly planned space usage. It is not that people are deliberately trying to torture their employees, it is just that not enough attention has been paid to working conditions and that has to do more with the lack of organized labor and the constant pressure to cut costs in an industry that has been transformed into one where there is no room for humans.
Perhaps that is the case with all industry. It has been computerized and organized and incentivized to the point that a human is merely a cog, an input mode, with almost no real involvement on a spiritual level. Even on a mental level the involvement has been reduced to repetition of simple formulas and rarely are there opportunities to think in or out of the box. I have been told that is simply a bi-product of advanced capitalism. I don’t know. If it is it is incredibly mind deadening. We are asked to stay alert to subtle nuances of difference, while at the same time being forced to numb our brains with constant repetition with mechanical regularity. It is a near impossible task. The mind numbs and goes into a trance like state of near sleep and then comes the gotcha moment when there is an anomaly that you did not notice and the works get screwed up and you remember you have a brain and have to come up with a solution.
I guess I am saying I need a more challenging reality but my economic and educational limits have forced me into a box that has grown increasingly limited. I find my body is in rebellion and it s making me sick. I need to find a way out. If I do I will let you know.
As things stand all I can see is retreating into some sort of monastic environment, attempting to join some intentional community or slugging it out on my own but that is becoming increasingly less rewarding as I grow more and more disabled. I am going to end up a physical wreck and a mental basket case or I am going to find a way out. Academia? I wish I had the temperament. But unless I get funding, I don’t see that as a path and I am not about to go even deeper in debt at my age.
I am reading an article by David Peat called “Creativity Meeting of Apollo and Dionysus”, and in it he is discussing something of the dilemma I am facing. This was written some 15 years ago in a journal called Alexandria 5 that I picked up at some used book store. In it he says “What is important is not so much the act of the healer who sings, as the song that sings itself, which makes itself manifest through the medium of the singers body. In so doing the song heals the sickness within the person. The sickness itself may have a spiritual origin and the song restores wholeness to the body and meaning to a life.”
That from a physicist. It made me think about how I almost never listen to music anymore. Always surrounded by news. News can be toxic. A poison that strangles the mind with an infinite deluge of facts that all hell is breaking lose or mind numbing happy talk. There is little of beauty in the media. It is deliberate. It is done to create needs and voids, even if they are imaginary ones to sell products that are meant to fill the voids they have created. Better not to look or listen. Better to run for the jungle like the Maya and wait it out. Better, perhaps. But when will this cursed civilization pass?

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